Happy Birthday Django!

Alright, so... things have gotten crazy, and for a while I'd forgotten that I had a blog altogether. Working a 17 hour shift for Thanksgiving almost killed me the other day but now that I am recovered I should reflect on some of the Django cuteness in my life!

Little guy had a birthday! November 24th he turned 3! It's crazy how time flies... It's crazy that this much time has passed and that he's grown bigger and I've grown stronger. He's still my little boy and he keeps expressing that he does not "want to get any bigger" I wonder if he knows 40 pounds is excessive for a 3 year old.

We had his party at Chuck E Cheese (his choice) they let us bring vegan cheese, and he had SUCH a blast. I honestly don't think he cared about the pizza, or his lady bug cake that he'd been asking for for months. He just wanted to play games and get tickets. It was one of the funnest things we've done in a long time!

Lady bug cake I made...


Django in the ticket blaster


Vegan kids insisting on playing the hunting game...


Presents with my Mom...

Thanks to all my awesome friends for coming!!!

Seen and not heard.

I've sat back and bit my tongue... I've remained silent and hurt on the inside because I thought smiling and playing nice would make it vanish, and for a long time it did. But realizing that someone has a pattern of abuse, that I did nothing about makes me angry at myself and angry at everyone who has enabled him.

Yesterday I got an email from "his" most recent ex. Apparently he'd been violent towards her, wrecked her car, spit in her face, strangled her... similar to many of the things I had been through with him. It brought up a lot of repressed memories that would have remained dormant for who knows how long. These are not things that are OK for someone to do to another person... this is not the way a regular human being should act. These are not things I should have allowed to happen, I should have filed restraining orders and police reports, and not fallen for his bullshit because now I find this out...

Many of you know that I am a survivor of attack. It is something that I accept as part of my past, and something that has aided in forming my personality and strength. I knew that he had told many lies about me and assumed he'd told people how "crazy" I am (because that is a typical defense when someone calls you out on shit you don't want to deal with) but finding out that I have been accused of rape is a level of low that I can't even wrap my mind around!!! I was told that he said I "locked the door, and raped (him)" in order to get pregnant. I guess his weeks of grovelling and begging for apologies 6 months ago were caused by the PTSD I gave him from the rape? I found out much later that he had been lying to everyone about not having anything to do with me, while "dating" me in secret... and then telling his room mate that he'd only been using me for sex. What the hell was I thinking?

I'm accused of being dramatic when I have talked about this... that's bullshit, I no longer bite my tongue. Clinton is a fuck. He's a liar, he's violent towards women, and I don't give a fuck who thinks what of me for telling the truth about it. Women should not have to bite their tongues, women should not have to hide their abuse because they're accused of being dramatic. Women should not have to suffer because they loved someone who manipulated them and fucked with their mind so much that they did not know what to believe.

If there were someone who acted this way in your neighborhood you would want to know about it, you would want to know if someone treated women and people in general this way so that could avoid him, but instead he is welcomed into communities. This is a person who has no accountability for his actions because he knows he can tell lies to get out of a situation. He is welcomed into peoples intimate lives by being allowed to tattoo them. He makes the veganism and straight edge look bad for being among us. He uses intimidation tactics to deal with people because he has no coping skills... He is a terrible human being and if you don't know it. You should.

He gets away with it, no longer. Karma will rear her head soon...

I'm over being bitter, I am over being hurt, I am just pissed as hell and I will never fall for his lies again, it's a shame that his lies have been so damaging to my reputation and that I allowed that to happen. My life is amazing now, and everything tragic that has happened along the way has brought me here... but the thought that he will do this again, and again... will keep me up at night. Will keep me regretting that I did not have the strength to stand up to him earlier. That I kept believing his apologies and promises to change. That I did not have the strength to move on and move forward.

I am sure now, more than ever that I have made the right decision with keeping his name off the birth certificate. Django is beautiful, and compassionate and has changed my life... and is the best thing that has come from all of this. But this can't go on... I don't know how, but it needs to end.

Up.

I haven't been posting recently because I have kind of been in a slump. Fearful of what is going to happen to my business now that I have some competition. For some reason things have drastically picked up (to the point that I may need to hire someone) and I'm really excited. Although, I have not worked this much in years!

Veg News asked for product samples to review the "Dillo" line. I am nervous about it, and I hope it happens! That could be HUGE!

I've been thinking a lot about karma and how I let it kick me when I was down for many years because I thought I deserved it. I am happy to say that I finally feel like my debt is paid and it's only up from here!!! I also look forward to seeing how it will unravel itself for other people who deserve its wrath but are unsuspecting.

I work out twice a day 6 days a week, hang out with Django and play, bake things that make people happy, planning an awesome road trip (or maybe a tour of sorts) this summer which will allow me to see a lot of people I miss and love, and triathlon season is coming up... things are turning into everything I ever wanted!!

...

A while ago my accountant told me that a huge reason a lot of businesses fail is because they don't have enough money when they initially start up...

I had a plan... Start small, get established, get coffee shop accounts, move into SLC, and then expand the grocery, and the bakery into a more inviting environment. This past year another bakery has opened, another vegan grocery store, and my profits are down by 10% from last year. My lease is up in April and I am not sure exactly where to go from here.

I was not able to get a business loan due partially to bad credit from a bankruptcy on my record from my debts my ex racked up... the whole thing is so frustrating.

I keep making new plans, coming up with new ideas and ways to save it but the more and more I think about it, the less it feels worth it to pursue anything while I remain in Utah. The thought of working for someone else makes me sick to my stomach though...

It's a great sign that veganism is becoming popular enough that these businesses are becoming more common, but it's bad for a small bakery owner, single parent who is trying to raise a son and make some money with out any assistance from a second party.

This is no way to raise Django, we should not have to go without... I need a new plan. I am heavily contemplating cutting my losses and re-opening only when and where I can get enough money to do so...

Sicky Sickies...

Django has been sick for over a week now. Four days of which were absolute torture. When you sign up to be a parent, you think about things like how to keep them safe, what to feed them, etc... never did I consider how awful it would be to have to see my son in agony. It tears my heart out to see him suffer like that.

He slept through much of the days and then at night he could not consume anything and when he did it would end up coming out one end or the other. Having him please "help me" and crying every time he saw the silver bowl that he needed to vomit in to made me feel so helpless, so awful. Nobody else was able to comfort him and he insisted in laying on me constantly. 4 nights with no sleep, constant loads of laundry, ten thousand baths, and having to cancel bakery appointments. When I finally was able to get some work done, I was in for it too... Now I am run down, nauseous and tired as hell but little guy still needs me. It's been over a week and he threw up again today.

He's finally keeping food down, getting fluids but his tiny body is all skin and bones. It's scary as hell to see your kid going through something so traumatic. I know it's only the stomach flu but he doesn't understand that it will be ok.

Constantly sanitizing, comforting, trying to keep it together... It really makes me appreciate a lot more what my Mother went through with 5 of us. I'm feeling optimistic about this week, I just hope I get my energy back soon too.