My frequent justification (not that I should have needed one) for single parenthood while I was pregnant was "I won't let this slow me down"... and I would like to think that the choices I have made have been things I would have been doing with or with out Django in my life. The only thing that has proven a little more difficult is convincing people that I am still able to play music.
I still work my ass off doing my bakery- a career I have chosen so that I can spend more time with my little one, I still organize and do animal rights, volunteer where and when I can, train for triathlon, and play my guitar.
During those months leading up to Djangos birth I had so many supportive (although awkwardly acting) friends that were excited about him coming... offering to help baby sit, offering to be an uncle or aunt... help emotionally, help with the bakery, etc. Yet for some reason, the largest frustration in my life right now is my lack of support. And not just lack of support but abandonment.
I know I signed up for this. This was my choice. Being alone, not seeking child support, thinking I had friends I could count on... and right now I feel like I did when I was younger and my parents would leave me at the store... lost, alone, and confused.
Friends claiming they will help me at the bakery on a busy weekend so I don't have my employee come in so that I can save a little money, and then them not showing up... friends coming to a letter writing meeting with me so they can help with Django so I can talk to Alex on the phone for 5 min... and then that friend not even attempting to entertain Django while I am talking to my incarcerated friend. Going to a meeting tonight and having Django get bored and having one of my best friends sit next to me and act annoyed while not even trying to engage him. Feeling humiliated and uncomfortable because nobody understands that sometimes it's just like that. That sometimes I just have to wait it out until his mood changes... I don't know why I am at all surprised. I don't know why I even bother anymore. I am sick of people looking at me like I am a bad Mom, like I am doing something wrong... I am sick of being left out, I am sick of feeling alone...
I would like to say that... even though at times he's impossible to get along with or understand, Dook has been incredibly supporting and loving to the little one. Django and I would honestly be even more lost with out him. I just wish he were better at being supportive to me, and my interests... but you can't have everything I guess.
Django's SD has offered to sign away his parental rights... I guess that's a good thing because that will be the end of the wondering and the worrying. It's sort of sad to me that he didn't feel compelled to take an emotional or financial role or interest in his life (mainly for him) but, I guess this way provides more stability for Django. The whole process (paternity test, filing of paperwork, etc.) will cost around $400 (if I can do it without a lawyer)... maybe I can use X-mas money to expedite the process.
Other than that... the drain at the bakery was clogged all day, I couldn't get shit done, people still suck and won't support my business, I am still stuck in Utah, and now I really dislike my friends. Today is a frustrating day.
On the bright side...
I have the raddest kid on the planet, and he has a Rocky shirt so... it's not all bad.
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