Seen and not heard.

I've sat back and bit my tongue... I've remained silent and hurt on the inside because I thought smiling and playing nice would make it vanish, and for a long time it did. But realizing that someone has a pattern of abuse, that I did nothing about makes me angry at myself and angry at everyone who has enabled him.

Yesterday I got an email from "his" most recent ex. Apparently he'd been violent towards her, wrecked her car, spit in her face, strangled her... similar to many of the things I had been through with him. It brought up a lot of repressed memories that would have remained dormant for who knows how long. These are not things that are OK for someone to do to another person... this is not the way a regular human being should act. These are not things I should have allowed to happen, I should have filed restraining orders and police reports, and not fallen for his bullshit because now I find this out...

Many of you know that I am a survivor of attack. It is something that I accept as part of my past, and something that has aided in forming my personality and strength. I knew that he had told many lies about me and assumed he'd told people how "crazy" I am (because that is a typical defense when someone calls you out on shit you don't want to deal with) but finding out that I have been accused of rape is a level of low that I can't even wrap my mind around!!! I was told that he said I "locked the door, and raped (him)" in order to get pregnant. I guess his weeks of grovelling and begging for apologies 6 months ago were caused by the PTSD I gave him from the rape? I found out much later that he had been lying to everyone about not having anything to do with me, while "dating" me in secret... and then telling his room mate that he'd only been using me for sex. What the hell was I thinking?

I'm accused of being dramatic when I have talked about this... that's bullshit, I no longer bite my tongue. Clinton is a fuck. He's a liar, he's violent towards women, and I don't give a fuck who thinks what of me for telling the truth about it. Women should not have to bite their tongues, women should not have to hide their abuse because they're accused of being dramatic. Women should not have to suffer because they loved someone who manipulated them and fucked with their mind so much that they did not know what to believe.

If there were someone who acted this way in your neighborhood you would want to know about it, you would want to know if someone treated women and people in general this way so that could avoid him, but instead he is welcomed into communities. This is a person who has no accountability for his actions because he knows he can tell lies to get out of a situation. He is welcomed into peoples intimate lives by being allowed to tattoo them. He makes the veganism and straight edge look bad for being among us. He uses intimidation tactics to deal with people because he has no coping skills... He is a terrible human being and if you don't know it. You should.

He gets away with it, no longer. Karma will rear her head soon...

I'm over being bitter, I am over being hurt, I am just pissed as hell and I will never fall for his lies again, it's a shame that his lies have been so damaging to my reputation and that I allowed that to happen. My life is amazing now, and everything tragic that has happened along the way has brought me here... but the thought that he will do this again, and again... will keep me up at night. Will keep me regretting that I did not have the strength to stand up to him earlier. That I kept believing his apologies and promises to change. That I did not have the strength to move on and move forward.

I am sure now, more than ever that I have made the right decision with keeping his name off the birth certificate. Django is beautiful, and compassionate and has changed my life... and is the best thing that has come from all of this. But this can't go on... I don't know how, but it needs to end.