I still work my ass off doing my bakery- a career I have chosen so that I can spend more time with my little one, I still organize and do animal rights, volunteer where and when I can, train for triathlon, and play my guitar.
During those months leading up to Djangos birth I had so many supportive (although awkwardly acting) friends that were excited about him coming... offering to help baby sit, offering to be an uncle or aunt... help emotionally, help with the bakery, etc. Yet for some reason, the largest frustration in my life right now is my lack of support. And not just lack of support but abandonment.
I know I signed up for this. This was my choice. Being alone, not seeking child support, thinking I had friends I could count on... and right now I feel like I did when I was younger and my parents would leave me at the store... lost, alone, and confused.
Friends claiming they will help me at the bakery on a busy weekend so I don't have my employee come in so that I can save a little money, and then them not showing up... friends coming to a letter writing meeting with me so they can help with Django so I can talk to Alex on the phone for 5 min... and then that friend not even attempting to entertain Django while I am talking to my incarcerated friend. Going to a meeting tonight and having Django get bored and having one of my best friends sit next to me and act annoyed while not even trying to engage him. Feeling humiliated and uncomfortable because nobody understands that sometimes it's just like that. That sometimes I just have to wait it out until his mood changes... I don't know why I am at all surprised. I don't know why I even bother anymore. I am sick of people looking at me like I am a bad Mom, like I am doing something wrong... I am sick of being left out, I am sick of feeling alone...
I would like to say that... even though at times he's impossible to get along with or understand, Dook has been incredibly supporting and loving to the little one. Django and I would honestly be even more lost with out him. I just wish he were better at being supportive to me, and my interests... but you can't have everything I guess.
Django's SD has offered to sign away his parental rights... I guess that's a good thing because that will be the end of the wondering and the worrying. It's sort of sad to me that he didn't feel compelled to take an emotional or financial role or interest in his life (mainly for him) but, I guess this way provides more stability for Django. The whole process (paternity test, filing of paperwork, etc.) will cost around $400 (if I can do it without a lawyer)... maybe I can use X-mas money to expedite the process.
Other than that... the drain at the bakery was clogged all day, I couldn't get shit done, people still suck and won't support my business, I am still stuck in Utah, and now I really dislike my friends. Today is a frustrating day.
On the bright side...
I have the raddest kid on the planet, and he has a Rocky shirt so... it's not all bad.
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4 comments:
Hang in there girl. I don't even know you that well but I want to punch Djangos SD in the throat... I hope things get better soon. Sending love & clarity**
- Jeanie
Aaaaw thanks! Sad thing is, at this point I am not even that mad at him at this point, it's more my friends who are watching me struggle and not offering a hand. It's frustrating.
It really sucks when you feel like you have no one but yourself (and in your case your son) but keep in mind that some people start new phases of their lives just like you have started one in yours and either get married, get a new boyfriend/girlfriend, have a child, etc. and their priorities start to change, some for the better, some for the worse. And sadly, in the process some of their friends get put on the back burner. My suggestion is to weed out those that are putting you on the back burner on purpose and try to be more understanding with those that have done it on accident. Everyone gets caught up with their own lives sometimes and just need a little push back in the right direction. :)
Yeah, I for sure understand that people have other priorities... I think what is more upsetting are the friends that tell me they will help me, or offer up assistance and then sit right next to me and see me struggling and don't do a thing. Those are the people I need to stop giving chances to... sadly, that leaves me with virtually no one. I guess that's what I get for being friends with kids.
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