A Story Of My Healing...

At any point in my life over the past ten years if you had asked me what the three causes I felt the most passionate about I would have stated... animal rights, getting rid of the death penalty, and reproductive rights (keeping abortion legal). The last of the three was something I felt so strongly about that I would frequently be caught saying things like "that's not a baby it's a blob of tissue, get over it". I also argued it so aggressively that I more than once lost friends to the debate. I have been in denial for the past year but my opinion seems to be shifting heavily on an issue that has for so long defined me. I am just as shocked and confused by any of this as anyone who has known me for a long time and may be reading. I am not trying to convince anyone of anything this is merely an encounter of my journey.

A series of occurrences in my life has brought me to a new line of thinking and after some intense emotions and nightmares I think it's finally time to write down my thoughts on it all. A friend of mine has recently introduced me to an organization called Silent No More it's an organization to make the public aware of the devastation that abortion brings. This has become powerful to me because I have experienced that devastation first hand. Apparently telling my story is supposed to help with the healing process, accepting it, and sharing it. Hopefully it does because it's something that has been haunting me like crazy.

Four years ago I moved from Philadelphia back home with my (at the time) boyfriend. This was a person that I thought I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. Someone I would have (and did) do anything for. Promises of getting married and setting the world on fire! We were unstoppable super heroes that were going to travel the Earth and never look back! A few months before I was supposed to leave on a European tour with a band, I found out that I was pregnant... A child conceived under a painting of Kali Ma, the Hindu Goddess of Maternal creation and of destruction, appropriate. When I found out the news my head spun in circles. Excitement because this is a child we had talked about wanting, fear because this was a time in my life that was terrible for it, and nervousness because I didn't know how my boyfriend would react. I knew he wanted children and we'd talked about it many times. How great of parents we would be together, how much we could love a child... Seemed like a no brainer really, except for that we had just gotten back together after being broken up for over a year.



His reaction was not exactly what I expected. In the midst of our honeymoon happiness phase we had this dark cloud hanging over us... On the flight from Philly back to Salt Lake there was a little girl sitting next to me and someone asked if she were mine, I had to hold in the tears because I knew what would be in store for us/ me. He drew me a picture and passed me a note and said "Someday... don't be sad". The decision had been made. I was to terminate the pregnancy. I guess this was an easy decision for him because there were (at least) to previous girlfriends that had abortions. One when she was very young and one who was well into her second trimester of pregnancy. She told me she had actually seen the child moving inside of her on an ultrasound... She also told me that he wouldn't even come to the hospital to get her when she found out she was pregnant. This should have been a sign. In the kindest possible way I was given an ultimatum. He didn't want to have a child and I was to get rid of him/her "it" or we couldn't be together.

When we went to the abortion clinic for the consultation they took me in a room and asked me a few times if I was SURE this was my decision, I really should have spoken up. They sent me home with literature and an appointment to come back. As soon as we left, he took the literature from me and said "you don't want to look at this" and thew it in the trash. What would looking at that have done? Would it have changed my mind? Would it have altered my decision? Would the photos of babies in utero caused something to awaken? I'll never really know, I figured he knew best and I wanted to do what was best for our relationship.

I had chosen to use RU-486 (the abortion pill). I figured, the less invasive the medical procedure the more detached I would be from it. I wanted to make sure I could have it done this way, or the decision would have been different. I went in, they took an ultrasound and made sure I was aware "oh, it's about the size of a piece of rice". A piece of rice? Oh that's nothing right? That's like, I am going to bleed out a piece of rice, a piece of rice isn't a life... a piece of rice is nothing! That can't possibly be anything of significance. They gave me a pill to take which I did with hesitance, and another one to take at home. There was no turning back now. If you take RU-486 and the pregnancy continues there are apparently severe birth defects... I took the other one some hours later (as instructed) and waited... Cramps, pain, the bleeding started. Many hours beyond that I went to the bathroom and saw the life that was inside me. What I saw was far from a grain of rice. I saw a distinguishable head and body and a grain of rice does certainly not have that, I will never forget it. I came out of the bathroom and told him. He was uninterested and relieved. That was that... Him sleeping soundly and me, haunted with the image of aborting a very tiny life, and bleeding for over a month beyond that as a reminder. How many lives meet this fate? Flushed like a goldfish... Horrible.

These are photos I found online of a 6 week pregnancy. I apologize if it's a little much. Up until this point, I have not even been able to look at photos like this. I am horrified by what I once thought of as "a grain of rice".




Surprisingly, not long after that... we broke up. Ironically and superstitiously the day I had beaded and started wearing a necklace with Kali Ma on it. I had destroyed her creation, she was destroying us. She wasn't destroying us... his violence, temper, and inability to be faithful destroyed us. I couldn't let go of him. I felt betrayed, scared. He promised me we would be together and I was determined to do everything I could to make it work, regardless of how abusive he became. In hindsight, I know I was trying to justify the murder of our child by fighting like hell to stay together. I can't regret anything to do with him/ us because I wouldn't have the son I have today had I thought clearly, and I will never regret my beautiful son.

Trying to distract myself I went on tour filling in on bass for a band. I was so used to being around vegan kids that shared all the same political views as me I was shocked to find out that two guys in the van were pro-life (one being one of my best friends, Matt). I made an attempt to argue with them over it and then forgot about it. Halfway through tour (in North Carolina) I picked up a zine and looked at it. It turned out to be a zine that one of the pro-life guys had written an article for. As I flipped through I saw photos of fetal growth and my heart sunk. Unsuspecting to be met with these images that I had been consciously avoiding I gazed on in horror. It sat for a few days before I had a complete break down. Hysterical, I cried to Matt about what I had done and couldn't think straight. My mind was literally spinning with flashes of light. The rest of the tour was kind of a daze for me after that.

Back to my life, I was more determined than ever to get our "relationship" to work after my discovery. I was convinced he was just scared and I just needed to remind him that we just needed to put in some work together. For another year it was off and on with us. Promises of forever, telling me how much he loved me. Promises of making right the way he'd treated me, and then "fuck you bitch". Road trips out of town, sitting under the stars and then treating me like shit in front of his friends... As a strong woman I should have run screaming and not looked back. But as a woman in need of healing and grasping for a reason to make sense of the life we had taken I continued to fight. I know now I wasn't in a rational state of mind for much over a year when I was with him... but it seemed like the good was enough reason to put up with the bad. It wasn't.

The last night I was ever with him we joked around, he was rude, he was nice, he was rude, he was nice... we had sex, kissed me goodbye and I knew it was done. I was never going to put up with that again. I felt cheap, and even though he kissed me goodbye, it felt wrong. I got a call the next day from his phone. This is _______ I am calling to tell you to never call (ex boyfriend) again. Delete his number... Seriously? Pretty childish...

Weeks later (the day before leaving on tour again) I took a pregnancy test. Positive. Inner conflict, fear, could I do this on my own? Over the previous months I had let propaganda leak in from a friend who works for Rock For Life... information I joked about at the time but ultimately hit me pretty hard and had a life changing impact on my decision. It was decided, he would not be told. He would not have the opportunity to be a part of this decision. To manipulate the situation. I would let this child live even though my life, as I knew it would be forever altered. It was time to take responsibility for my carelessness and realize that I should not take the creation and destruction powers of life into my own hands to toy with.

I did tell a mutual friend about the pregnancy... it took some time to get around (and I knew it would) but I did eventually get a series of text messages including messages prompting me to end the pregnancy, offering to go with me to get an abortion and pay for it, telling me that I am not ready to have a child, telling me that I will be raising the child alone, telling me "maybe you shouldn't be such a slut and go over to guys houses to fuck them hahahaha" as well as "I hope you die giving birth". starting with nice, and ending in violent. I needed this as a reminder. This was empowering and this was reason for me to gather the strength to eliminate him from my life for good. A week later I saw him with another girl and got an email from him telling me "I only used you for sex". Pretty harsh thing to say to a sexual assault survivor but not unexpected in the least.

As my son grew, I went to regular visits with my midwife. The first time I heard the heart beat was not long after the same time I had aborted the firs child. There he was, growing every day inside of me. Reminding me of what I had done. Feeling his movement, his growth. Seeing him grow in his ultrasounds... I doubt I will ever fully come to terms with what I was a part of but, my son growing, learning, laughing... Reminds me that I need to look to the future and the positives of my life. I also hope that maybe I can help other women who are conflicted about the decision and tell them my experience. I wish I had been open minded enough to listen, to learn... like I said before, my life would be very different right now and I wouldn't have my son so regret is something I try to avoid. It certainly would have certainly been much easier if I could have maintained the "there are too many people in the world, destroy this blob of tissue" mentality... But now that I know my son, I am more glad than ever that I did not.

As I research and have watched the "Silent No More" videos of women telling their stories I have found that it's very common for women to have abortions to "save" their relationships. Almost every woman had a similar story. I doubt if there are many cases that it actually does save a relationship. My son is over a year and a half now, sometimes I don't feel like I deserve him. He's incredible and I couldn't possibly imagine loving any person more... I am glad that his sperm donor has never attempted to make contact because having him out of my life is the healthiest possible thing for me, and my son. I couldn't bear to have my sons heart broken the way mine was repeatedly.

I still have nightmares about the abortion, about the child, about the doomed relationship. I think every day about that child and how old he/she would be... about how my/our selfishness and stronger desire for a doomed relationship terminated a life. I am trying to move on, I am seeking an active solution and hoping after writing this I can move forward and begin healing. I only hope the person on the other side of this story, someday realizes the pain he has created in his wake...

My friend Phil (the one who works for Rock For Life) sent me this video, it's pretty cheesy but interesting. I couldn't watch it when he first sent it, couldn't stand to see the images but that's what sort of brought about this whole revelation. He's been an integral part in my healing process, and an amazing friend. There are many other friends I have made over the past few years who have been supportive and incredible in this process, that have made a huge impact on my life and I love and thank them all... Phil (you really are amazing), Aaron (for being one of the first people to share an alternate view on abortion to what I had heard), Troy & Megan (for being a beautiful strong couple with a lot of love and compassion... for listening and being supportive), Lauren & Danny (for having a zine at their table that woke me up, and for being great friends!), Colby (for arguing with me about abortion and writing the article in the zine), and Matt (an incredible listener and a shoulder to cry on)... xvx pro-life.



I am not interested in arguing abortion with people, I am not interested in stating a political claim... I am merely telling my story because it is something I need to do for me and for my son. I apologize to any family members who may find this as shocking. Thank you.