Django's first X-mas, that he understood what was going on. It's funny because I never really get that into holidays but for some reason, for his benefit this year was very different! I mad an "Island Of Misfit Toys" X-mas tree!!!
We had a tree, stockings, presents, went to look at lights, X-mas music, movies, etc. and I have to say... it was really nice!!! Yesterday when I was taking down the tree and putting the decorations away Django kept trying to hang the stockings back up and was very upset that I put the stuff away. Sad.
The hit so far has been the Handy Manny tool box (he already has MANY other sets of tools but these ones dance and have faces). He even used these tools to open his other presents! It's so awesome that he's so into tools and building. If I ever say something is broken he goes and gets his tools to try to fix it!
This is him in the new wagon my Mom got him!
This is the coolest thing so far... the picture is kind of blurry but my Mom got him this train set and it has cows and sheep that ride in the train cars with no cages or tops on them, yet the chickens are in cages...
He keeps trying to free them with his tools saying "Chicken Out!" Making me proud!!!
My frequent justification (not that I should have needed one) for single parenthood while I was pregnant was "I won't let this slow me down"... and I would like to think that the choices I have made have been things I would have been doing with or with out Django in my life. The only thing that has proven a little more difficult is convincing people that I am still able to play music.
I still work my ass off doing my bakery- a career I have chosen so that I can spend more time with my little one, I still organize and do animal rights, volunteer where and when I can, train for triathlon, and play my guitar.
During those months leading up to Djangos birth I had so many supportive (although awkwardly acting) friends that were excited about him coming... offering to help baby sit, offering to be an uncle or aunt... help emotionally, help with the bakery, etc. Yet for some reason, the largest frustration in my life right now is my lack of support. And not just lack of support but abandonment.
I know I signed up for this. This was my choice. Being alone, not seeking child support, thinking I had friends I could count on... and right now I feel like I did when I was younger and my parents would leave me at the store... lost, alone, and confused.
Friends claiming they will help me at the bakery on a busy weekend so I don't have my employee come in so that I can save a little money, and then them not showing up... friends coming to a letter writing meeting with me so they can help with Django so I can talk to Alex on the phone for 5 min... and then that friend not even attempting to entertain Django while I am talking to my incarcerated friend. Going to a meeting tonight and having Django get bored and having one of my best friends sit next to me and act annoyed while not even trying to engage him. Feeling humiliated and uncomfortable because nobody understands that sometimes it's just like that. That sometimes I just have to wait it out until his mood changes... I don't know why I am at all surprised. I don't know why I even bother anymore. I am sick of people looking at me like I am a bad Mom, like I am doing something wrong... I am sick of being left out, I am sick of feeling alone...
I would like to say that... even though at times he's impossible to get along with or understand, Dook has been incredibly supporting and loving to the little one. Django and I would honestly be even more lost with out him. I just wish he were better at being supportive to me, and my interests... but you can't have everything I guess.
Django's SD has offered to sign away his parental rights... I guess that's a good thing because that will be the end of the wondering and the worrying. It's sort of sad to me that he didn't feel compelled to take an emotional or financial role or interest in his life (mainly for him) but, I guess this way provides more stability for Django. The whole process (paternity test, filing of paperwork, etc.) will cost around $400 (if I can do it without a lawyer)... maybe I can use X-mas money to expedite the process.
Other than that... the drain at the bakery was clogged all day, I couldn't get shit done, people still suck and won't support my business, I am still stuck in Utah, and now I really dislike my friends. Today is a frustrating day.
On the bright side...
I have the raddest kid on the planet, and he has a Rocky shirt so... it's not all bad.
I really wanted to run a race on Thanksgiving... but all of them were benefiting Huntsman Cancer. I know how over sensitive people get about being informed that the money they are raising is going to research that is hurting finding a cure more than it's helping but a bunch of us decided to crash the race anyway. It was fun.
Shawn kept going on about beating us all... guess who "won"... that's right ME! (Although my running has REALLY been sucking recently).
Next post I will post pics from Djangos' B-day.... I just have to find my camera.
It's kind of too early to say whether I am convinced or not but I would like to say that I am taking some time to listen to apologies, and not writing them off as I had intended. There seems to be no agenda behind them.
2 people divided a lot of people with their problems and I am glad to see that things are finding their way to being mended. It's nice to sort through all of the rumors and the craziness and have him confess and apologize for the lies he has spread... I know it's too little too late for much of the mending but it's a good place to continue the healing.
About 6 months ago my Ipod got stolen when the bakery was robbed... since then I haven't been able to have my music accessible since Dook has no stereo at home and his house is his house... I'm not really able to put my stuff out or anything so no records, cds, guitars, etc.
Today I listened to Farside on the way in to the bakery. It reminded me that there is a HUGE part of my life that is empty... Without music in my life (playing it, listening to it, etc.) it feels like my soul is missing.
I don't have time to start a band but I am going to some how find it... It needs to get out or it will probably destroy me.
"I feel the years pass through me Keep my soul awake Don't wanna lose that feeling Keep my soul awake"....
I have been off and on looking at pictures of dogs on rescue sites for a few weeks just kind of seeing what kind of dogs are up for adoption. I never in a million years thought Dook would approve the addition of a new dog into his house. He has always wanted a healer dog... even though he's FAR more of a cat person than a dog person but he was looking at the pictures of dogs with me and saw a picture of this healer and said we could go look at it. (I wanted to go look at a different dog but he insisted). The people from the rescue brought the dog up, they also brought up a second dog that they thought we might want to look at as well...
We ended up with two dogs.
HOW did this happen??? Seriously insane!
Django has honestly never been so happy. It's pretty awesome! I am really glad we were able to give these dogs a home. The dog Dook adopted (Matilda) had been in a shelter her whole life! And the dog I adopted (Clarence is the working name but is not finalized) got handed over because his neighbors were shooting bottle rockets at him. Now they are here in my little house with my little boy and creating chaos!
It's pretty awesome to have two dogs because they get to play together a ton, but they also antagonize each other and it makes things a lot more chaotic.
Django has been showing them the ropes. He has been taking them around and pointing out things in the house and explaining what they are (or at least taking them around, pointing at things and talking jibberish in a very as a matter of fact manner). It's probably the cutest thin I have ever seen in my life! This is a really funny video of him telling the dog "no".
I forgot how much work dogs are (esp. young dogs). They have already dug under the fence, and escaped a few times... Today I took them on a long walk and they seem much more content.
I know there will never be a dog that can replace Nelix in my heart (he is my soul dog)... but I am really glad to be able to give Django the experience of having a dog friend!
Picnicking on the floor! Every time I pull a snack out of the fridge, he wants to sit on the kitchen floor and eat it... I've been trying to redirect to the outside table but either way it's fun. I am not really into putting limitations on his explorations and needs.
Summertime is so amazing! We have been having so much fun on the bike! We've been hiking a bunch of times (which he ASKS to do), he's loving his veggies and fresh fruit, swimming, and drawing with chalk (all over the house), the other day he walked about 5 blocks to the store (but got a shoulder ride back), I seriously love summer time! I am going to be really sad to see it go, I'm dreading it!
Little guy has been getting molars so he's been pretty cranky off and on, the first time my patience has even been slightly tested with him... It makes me sad to see him in pain! I got a tip that black panda licorice from the freezer might help to numb the teeth, I am going to try that when he wakes up from his nap.
It's so weird that this is my life now... so awesome and weird.
So, those of you who don't live in Utah may not know the wonder of the celebration on the 24th of July... "Pioneer Day". Supposedly it's the day Utah (as the mob would put it) was "Made"... Here we are in Utah... "This is the place". Celebrating what a wonderful state it is. There are parades, a much larger fireworks show than the 4th of July, rodeos, marathon, beauty pageants, and all sorts of other trivial experiences.
This year I decided to celebrate by making some classic Utah dishes. Utah-rds are known for our wonderful casserole dishes... I believe that green Jell-o with shredded carrots is actually the official state dessert, so much so that there was an Olympic pin that featured it. The menu I decided on was funeral potatoes, green bean casserole, and our official state dessert.
If you have never had funeral potatoes let me give you an introduction. It's a classic dish that Mormons will bring to funeral after parties (what other cultures would refer to as a wake). It's a quick, easy, dish that will be sure to send the widow to an early grave via heart attack so that they may join their deceased loved one. Here is the basic recipe not a very vegan sounding dish right? I do love a soy-filled challenge!!!
Here is where I began... I used potato leek soup (instead of creamy chicken or cream of mushroom), I used the soy-free butter (so I didn't over soy myself), and instead of straight sour cream I combined it with plain yogurt (I was running low and it was cheaper).
I went for "organic" hashed browns so I wouldn't feel 100% horrible about what I was making...
Corn Flakes are a necessity for any true casserole...
and...
Ok, these were seriously pretty good. Cheesy, creamy, crunchy... everything I remember them to be... although, I haven't eaten dairy in about half my life so what do I know...
For the "Jell-O" I found an agar mix at the Asian market. It was unflavored so instead of the water I put into it I concentrated two packets of Kool-Aid and used that as the liquid. For the whipped cream I used "Rich's" whip which is seriously amazing! That stuff whips up just like whip cream and sucks so much less than that disgusting Soy-atoo whip!!!
Dook made the green bean casserole... same idea, potato leek soup, with the fried onions on top. That wasn't actually that great and kind of hurt my tummy! Here's the spread altogether. Someone brought bread and small sacrament water cups (in the Mormon church 12 year old boys hand out little cups to drink your sacrament water from)...
I paid my car payment 3 weeks late yesterday, counted out nickles and dimes to buy Django's new bike, rent is due and I have none, and I have had 3 customers all day...
Why do I live like this? I am doing a lot of cake orders and a lot of wholesale but seriously... it's amazing to me that vegans in SLC don't support vegan business like they do in other cities. I am putting more and more thought and effort into moving... More online wholesale and less roots to SLC.
Sometimes I wonder if this is healthy for Django, my not knowing where the money is coming from... We have always gotten by, and I always have a lot of time with him, which is really the most important thing to me... Having my own business means working my hours and playing with him the rest of the time, it's sort of a dream come true... just stressful at times.
I keep making pro and con lists to collecting child support and how that would benefit him in the long run. I don't know that it would bring in enough money to make a difference and it would be a headache to go through the motions, but does this mean I am depriving Django of money that is rightfully his? Does it mean that I am letting his SD out of his responsibility too easily because I don't want to bring that drama and negativity into our lives? It's a constant battle I have with myself, esp. when it gets to be time to fight for funds and wonder how I am going to put gas into the car...
My sister did all the paperwork and added it up, there would be quite a bit of money owed up to this point... that could buy Django shoes, trips to museums, organic snacks, travels, money in a college fund... I guess I just keep hoping things will take off for me and the bakery and it will never be needed or desired. My hope is that some day he will look back at how hard I have worked for him and us and appreciate how much I love him, and know that we never needed anyone else... He's changed my life, given me so much strength, such a new outlook on life, love, fear... I'm pretty surprised and saddened that the same didn't apply to the provider of the other half of his genetic make up. When I get saddened by that I quickly push those thoughts from my mind and replace them with the reality that I have a beautiful son that I made the decision to let live, and he's more of a miracle every day!!!
I guess I just need to stay strong and keep trying... I'm sure it will be worth it in the end... KG and little Riot against the world!!!
For about 6 months now Django has had a green piggy bank. I am not really into the idea of teaching him about money right now but it's really cute that every time he finds change on the floor, or in my bag or whatever he states "peeeeg" which is how he says pig and takes the change to put in the pig. Every time my parents give him money we stick it in there... Not knowing what to do with it.
Recently he has been obsessing over bikes, probably because I am all about my bike, and Dook is buying a new bike. Going for rides getting pulled on the bike is no longer enough for him, he wants his own! Trikes are too small for him still, as are bikes with training wheels but, the other day while in Contender I found the PERFECT bike for him!!!
So, this is the Stryder "running" bike. The seat goes down low enough that he can touch the ground... there are no pedals so it's basically a scooter that has a seat. Supposedly they learn to ride a bike by pushing off and learning to balance before they get wheels so they never need training wheels!!! They got a green one in at Contender and today we counted all of his "peeeg" money and guess what! There is EXACTLY enough to buy it!!! Seriously, how exciting is that? My kids first bike!!!
When something like this happens it seriously humbles me! I sit here and think about this past couple of years (almost) with him and think about what I have given up in my life to have him...
I can say with 100% certainty that I would not trade all the touring, making records, firefly encounters, not being broke, not getting dirty looks, people not talking shit on me, and hanging out with friends for a second of my time with him...
This past 20 months I have gotten to experience my body going through something incredible, an unstoppable bond, first steps, kisses, hugs, dances, songs, books, stumbles, games, swimming, learning, sign language,, tickles, barrels of laughter, and so much more... Django is the best thing that has ever happened in my life! And now... he gets to buy his first bike and I get to be there as he learns how to ride it...
Django broke my little digital camera so I haven't updated in a while... with out photos to add it just doesn't seem that much fun...
I have my second triathlon tomorrow. I rented a sleeveless wetsuit, hopefully that will help with the feeling confined factor. I hope my swim time is better on this race... at least the water won't be disgusting!!!
The bakery is ten thousand degrees today... I told some lady I wouldn't bake a cake for her (for the first time EVER) and that she had to just come in and get cupcakes instead because I refuse to turn the oven back on.
Vegan Essentials sold through the first order of dillos!!! I hope they keep selling because that will mean I can relocate the bakery out of state and just do mail order (when I get a few more accounts)...
Django knows SOOOO many words now and has been asking to use the potty, pretty awesome!!! I told my next door neighbor this (who has 2 two year olds) and she looked really irritated... I'm sure it's because he wears cloth diapers and hates the feel of going in them.
I had never seen an agave plant in person before so I took a picture, look how pretty it is! I didn't get to taste the leaves though... Django's new favorite thing is to play in the car and pretend that he's driving so when we got to the "eco" driving thing at the preserve it was perfect for him! He also made friends with this lizard... he giggled when it came up to him. I am not a big fan of animals in cages but these guys had a huge enclosure in their natural habitat (plus we didn't know there would be caged animals there...
There was this AWESOME giant moth at the very top of this huge rock formation, pretty exciting!!!
Here's Django in a little cave in the playground... Little guy tuckered out on the airplane... made for a very low key flight, and cute snuggles!
At any point in my life over the past ten years if you had asked me what the three causes I felt the most passionate about I would have stated... animal rights, getting rid of the death penalty, and reproductive rights (keeping abortion legal). The last of the three was something I felt so strongly about that I would frequently be caught saying things like "that's not a baby it's a blob of tissue, get over it". I also argued it so aggressively that I more than once lost friends to the debate. I have been in denial for the past year but my opinion seems to be shifting heavily on an issue that has for so long defined me. I am just as shocked and confused by any of this as anyone who has known me for a long time and may be reading. I am not trying to convince anyone of anything this is merely an encounter of my journey.
A series of occurrences in my life has brought me to a new line of thinking and after some intense emotions and nightmares I think it's finally time to write down my thoughts on it all. A friend of mine has recently introduced me to an organization called Silent No More it's an organization to make the public aware of the devastation that abortion brings. This has become powerful to me because I have experienced that devastation first hand. Apparently telling my story is supposed to help with the healing process, accepting it, and sharing it. Hopefully it does because it's something that has been haunting me like crazy.
Four years ago I moved from Philadelphia back home with my (at the time) boyfriend. This was a person that I thought I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. Someone I would have (and did) do anything for. Promises of getting married and setting the world on fire! We were unstoppable super heroes that were going to travel the Earth and never look back! A few months before I was supposed to leave on a European tour with a band, I found out that I was pregnant... A child conceived under a painting of Kali Ma, the Hindu Goddess of Maternal creation and of destruction, appropriate. When I found out the news my head spun in circles. Excitement because this is a child we had talked about wanting, fear because this was a time in my life that was terrible for it, and nervousness because I didn't know how my boyfriend would react. I knew he wanted children and we'd talked about it many times. How great of parents we would be together, how much we could love a child... Seemed like a no brainer really, except for that we had just gotten back together after being broken up for over a year.
His reaction was not exactly what I expected. In the midst of our honeymoon happiness phase we had this dark cloud hanging over us... On the flight from Philly back to Salt Lake there was a little girl sitting next to me and someone asked if she were mine, I had to hold in the tears because I knew what would be in store for us/ me. He drew me a picture and passed me a note and said "Someday... don't be sad". The decision had been made. I was to terminate the pregnancy. I guess this was an easy decision for him because there were (at least) to previous girlfriends that had abortions. One when she was very young and one who was well into her second trimester of pregnancy. She told me she had actually seen the child moving inside of her on an ultrasound... She also told me that he wouldn't even come to the hospital to get her when she found out she was pregnant. This should have been a sign. In the kindest possible way I was given an ultimatum. He didn't want to have a child and I was to get rid of him/her "it" or we couldn't be together.
When we went to the abortion clinic for the consultation they took me in a room and asked me a few times if I was SURE this was my decision, I really should have spoken up. They sent me home with literature and an appointment to come back. As soon as we left, he took the literature from me and said "you don't want to look at this" and thew it in the trash. What would looking at that have done? Would it have changed my mind? Would it have altered my decision? Would the photos of babies in utero caused something to awaken? I'll never really know, I figured he knew best and I wanted to do what was best for our relationship.
I had chosen to use RU-486 (the abortion pill). I figured, the less invasive the medical procedure the more detached I would be from it. I wanted to make sure I could have it done this way, or the decision would have been different. I went in, they took an ultrasound and made sure I was aware "oh, it's about the size of a piece of rice". A piece of rice? Oh that's nothing right? That's like, I am going to bleed out a piece of rice, a piece of rice isn't a life... a piece of rice is nothing! That can't possibly be anything of significance. They gave me a pill to take which I did with hesitance, and another one to take at home. There was no turning back now. If you take RU-486 and the pregnancy continues there are apparently severe birth defects... I took the other one some hours later (as instructed) and waited... Cramps, pain, the bleeding started. Many hours beyond that I went to the bathroom and saw the life that was inside me. What I saw was far from a grain of rice. I saw a distinguishable head and body and a grain of rice does certainly not have that, I will never forget it. I came out of the bathroom and told him. He was uninterested and relieved. That was that... Him sleeping soundly and me, haunted with the image of aborting a very tiny life, and bleeding for over a month beyond that as a reminder. How many lives meet this fate? Flushed like a goldfish... Horrible.
These are photos I found online of a 6 week pregnancy. I apologize if it's a little much. Up until this point, I have not even been able to look at photos like this. I am horrified by what I once thought of as "a grain of rice".
Surprisingly, not long after that... we broke up. Ironically and superstitiously the day I had beaded and started wearing a necklace with Kali Ma on it. I had destroyed her creation, she was destroying us. She wasn't destroying us... his violence, temper, and inability to be faithful destroyed us. I couldn't let go of him. I felt betrayed, scared. He promised me we would be together and I was determined to do everything I could to make it work, regardless of how abusive he became. In hindsight, I know I was trying to justify the murder of our child by fighting like hell to stay together. I can't regret anything to do with him/ us because I wouldn't have the son I have today had I thought clearly, and I will never regret my beautiful son.
Trying to distract myself I went on tour filling in on bass for a band. I was so used to being around vegan kids that shared all the same political views as me I was shocked to find out that two guys in the van were pro-life (one being one of my best friends, Matt). I made an attempt to argue with them over it and then forgot about it. Halfway through tour (in North Carolina) I picked up a zine and looked at it. It turned out to be a zine that one of the pro-life guys had written an article for. As I flipped through I saw photos of fetal growth and my heart sunk. Unsuspecting to be met with these images that I had been consciously avoiding I gazed on in horror. It sat for a few days before I had a complete break down. Hysterical, I cried to Matt about what I had done and couldn't think straight. My mind was literally spinning with flashes of light. The rest of the tour was kind of a daze for me after that.
Back to my life, I was more determined than ever to get our "relationship" to work after my discovery. I was convinced he was just scared and I just needed to remind him that we just needed to put in some work together. For another year it was off and on with us. Promises of forever, telling me how much he loved me. Promises of making right the way he'd treated me, and then "fuck you bitch". Road trips out of town, sitting under the stars and then treating me like shit in front of his friends... As a strong woman I should have run screaming and not looked back. But as a woman in need of healing and grasping for a reason to make sense of the life we had taken I continued to fight. I know now I wasn't in a rational state of mind for much over a year when I was with him... but it seemed like the good was enough reason to put up with the bad. It wasn't.
The last night I was ever with him we joked around, he was rude, he was nice, he was rude, he was nice... we had sex, kissed me goodbye and I knew it was done. I was never going to put up with that again. I felt cheap, and even though he kissed me goodbye, it felt wrong. I got a call the next day from his phone. This is _______ I am calling to tell you to never call (ex boyfriend) again. Delete his number... Seriously? Pretty childish...
Weeks later (the day before leaving on tour again) I took a pregnancy test. Positive. Inner conflict, fear, could I do this on my own? Over the previous months I had let propaganda leak in from a friend who works for Rock For Life... information I joked about at the time but ultimately hit me pretty hard and had a life changing impact on my decision. It was decided, he would not be told. He would not have the opportunity to be a part of this decision. To manipulate the situation. I would let this child live even though my life, as I knew it would be forever altered. It was time to take responsibility for my carelessness and realize that I should not take the creation and destruction powers of life into my own hands to toy with.
I did tell a mutual friend about the pregnancy... it took some time to get around (and I knew it would) but I did eventually get a series of text messages including messages prompting me to end the pregnancy, offering to go with me to get an abortion and pay for it, telling me that I am not ready to have a child, telling me that I will be raising the child alone, telling me "maybe you shouldn't be such a slut and go over to guys houses to fuck them hahahaha" as well as "I hope you die giving birth". starting with nice, and ending in violent. I needed this as a reminder. This was empowering and this was reason for me to gather the strength to eliminate him from my life for good. A week later I saw him with another girl and got an email from him telling me "I only used you for sex". Pretty harsh thing to say to a sexual assault survivor but not unexpected in the least.
As my son grew, I went to regular visits with my midwife. The first time I heard the heart beat was not long after the same time I had aborted the firs child. There he was, growing every day inside of me. Reminding me of what I had done. Feeling his movement, his growth. Seeing him grow in his ultrasounds... I doubt I will ever fully come to terms with what I was a part of but, my son growing, learning, laughing... Reminds me that I need to look to the future and the positives of my life. I also hope that maybe I can help other women who are conflicted about the decision and tell them my experience. I wish I had been open minded enough to listen, to learn... like I said before, my life would be very different right now and I wouldn't have my son so regret is something I try to avoid. It certainly would have certainly been much easier if I could have maintained the "there are too many people in the world, destroy this blob of tissue" mentality... But now that I know my son, I am more glad than ever that I did not.
As I research and have watched the "Silent No More" videos of women telling their stories I have found that it's very common for women to have abortions to "save" their relationships. Almost every woman had a similar story. I doubt if there are many cases that it actually does save a relationship. My son is over a year and a half now, sometimes I don't feel like I deserve him. He's incredible and I couldn't possibly imagine loving any person more... I am glad that his sperm donor has never attempted to make contact because having him out of my life is the healthiest possible thing for me, and my son. I couldn't bear to have my sons heart broken the way mine was repeatedly.
I still have nightmares about the abortion, about the child, about the doomed relationship. I think every day about that child and how old he/she would be... about how my/our selfishness and stronger desire for a doomed relationship terminated a life. I am trying to move on, I am seeking an active solution and hoping after writing this I can move forward and begin healing. I only hope the person on the other side of this story, someday realizes the pain he has created in his wake...
My friend Phil (the one who works for Rock For Life) sent me this video, it's pretty cheesy but interesting. I couldn't watch it when he first sent it, couldn't stand to see the images but that's what sort of brought about this whole revelation. He's been an integral part in my healing process, and an amazing friend. There are many other friends I have made over the past few years who have been supportive and incredible in this process, that have made a huge impact on my life and I love and thank them all... Phil (you really are amazing), Aaron (for being one of the first people to share an alternate view on abortion to what I had heard), Troy & Megan (for being a beautiful strong couple with a lot of love and compassion... for listening and being supportive), Lauren & Danny (for having a zine at their table that woke me up, and for being great friends!), Colby (for arguing with me about abortion and writing the article in the zine), and Matt (an incredible listener and a shoulder to cry on)... xvx pro-life.
I am not interested in arguing abortion with people, I am not interested in stating a political claim... I am merely telling my story because it is something I need to do for me and for my son. I apologize to any family members who may find this as shocking. Thank you.
Last Saturday my Mom and I did the "Little Red Riding Hood" bike ride. It's an all women bike ride in Logan. We decided to do the 68 mile ride which was really awesome!!!
There were some pretty gnarly hills and wind almost knocking us over but we finished. I haven't gotten to do anything like that with my Mom in my whole life so I am really glad I got to. She's been getting really into cycling and I think it's pretty awesome! She had never really rode in traffic before or up hills like that but I think she got the hang of it after a few min...
Hopefully I can talk her into doing a century for her next ride.
Every time I watch Moulin Rogue it makes me remember when things were magical in my life. When I believed in honesty, and love so intense you would do anything to keep it... even if it made me look and feel a little bit crazy.
Been doing yard work recently... Dook's yard has been a mess for a long time but this year we ripped out the front strip to put bark in, planted flowers, fixed up the lawn, and built planter boxes for veggies and herbs!!! Django has been a lot of help! (And VERY cute!)
Not sure what the messenger bag is about... it's one of my old army bags that he found in the garage but has been insisting on carrying it around outside because he puts his sidewalk chalk in it.
It's pretty cute to hear him learning new words. He tries to repeat almost everything now (which I need to remember) so I hear him sounding out phrases. He gets the voice fluctuations right but not so much the sounds... it's fascinating though! I honestly look at him and wonder how I ever lived my life with out him, it must have been so empty!!!
Tonight I was lurking through Myspace out of boredom and I decided to look at pics of tattoos that Django's S.D. has done (because I needed something to giggle about) and in the mix was a picture of him... it's weird, I haven't thought about him or looked at him for so long, it caught me off guard and kind of made my heart sink... I didn't want to remember that image. I didn't want to look at it and see anything of him in Django... I didn't want to see that they have the same nose, eyebrows, forehead, chin... I don't want to see him in Django because he doesn't deserve that compliment.
Sometimes I wish I could talk to other women who have been in my position to figure out what the best way to leave it all behind me... I fantisize about moving to Australia and never looking back. Someday I will... I never think about any of it anymore except for at this exact moment. I will just remember how lucky I am right now, and how lucky I was when I didn't know better... and how amazing my little boy is... watching him laugh, and grow... throw his head back and flash a smile bigger than his face. To mimick things I do, to communicate with me, to learn from me... hugs, kisses and belly raspberries (from him, to me... pretty rad!)
The bakery is taking off faster than I know what to do with, he's growing and learning at an alarming rate, I'm finally doing triathlons, my family is amazing... and I'm still in SLC. (Bummer).
So last Saturday was my first Triathlon. I have been training for a couple of months and even though my coach strongly advised against me doing a triathlon right now, not to mention a race that was in its first year (which apparently meant it would be disorganized)... I decided I was getting antsy to compete and really wanted to do it.
I got there early and checked in, got my timing chip, set up my transition station... I met up with Abbey (fellow team fastlane team mate who was racing as well) and her boyfriend... we had to wait and wait and WAIT until the race started. The water was DISGUSTING! I kind of wish I had taken a picture of it. It was seriously green, and I couldn't see a thing in it. It also smelled like someone who had oral surgery and had stinky blood breath! There was also a dead carp floating in it. I had never seen the half mile (I did a sprint) layed out all at once before, it's much less intimidating when you swim laps to that amount. I had never worn a wetsuit to swim before, it was a little tight around my chest area and restricted my arms a little bit. When I first got in the water I started hyperventilating. It was cold, my wetsuit got wet inside, there was slime hanging off my feet... When we got going, everyone was running into each other which I expected but it was scary nonethless. I couldn't seem to keep my face in the water to get into my stroke so I did a breath stroke and a back stroke most of the way... and veered off course a little bit while I was on my back. Initially I was really discouraged, wanted to cry and give up... but I kept going, it's a good thing I am so stubborn! It was pretty disappointing. When I was one of the last people out of the water I got to the transition area feeling like a failure and I saw my friends there! Shaun, Thomas, Jeremy, Dook and baby Django all there to cheer me on! It felt awesome! I heard Django say "Mama!" That was enough to refuel me for sure! I had a very clumsy transition (I think it was two and a half min. or so) my wetsuit got stuck a little on my timing chip plus I was dragging from being angry at myself for my poor swim time but... I got on my bike and took off. It took a few min. to get my muscles working from my swim to my bike but when I got in the groove it was good. I passed a few people and felt pretty awesome on the hills. About halfway through the course on a road that was about 50 MPH (cars were speeding past MUCH faster) there were cyclists slowing and people gathered. There was a man laying unconscious on the ground who had been hit by a car. I wasn't sure what to do... I already have a lot of anxiety about riding in traffic. The image stuck in my head and threw off my ride for a while and slowed down my time. I picked back up my pace and rode in. My friends said they were happy that I wasn't the one that got hit (since they'd heard about it).... I transitioned again and went out for my run... The run was much less grueling than I thought it would be after the other two events. I set a decent pace and passed many more people than I thought I would. I walked a few steps about half way when I got my water and then picked back up. I wasn't sure when the end of the course was or I would have ran a lot faster but I sprinted at the end (esp. when I heard people yelling to the guy in front of me "don't let a girl beat you".) Passed through the finish line to cheers, it felt AMAZING!!! It was kind of a mess, very disorganized, but I am seriously so glad that I did it. I am really proud of myself and I know the next time I will do MUCH better! I came home and watched the lake stench off of me and ate lots of food, and went to work. Amazing. I love it! Lessons for next time... be more prepared for the open water swim, buy my own wetuist instead of borrowing one, practice transitioning, mentally prepare for the worst on bike and keep a faster pace (and hook back up my cyclometer so I know what my pace is). Run faster (because I can) and wear my watch so I know what my pace is...
Results: #1282 Overall: 132 DIVPL: 9/15 SEX/PL: 38/64 Swim Time: 19:27 (I can swim this MUCH faster) T1:2:49 Bike time:46:44 T2:1:43 Bike Time:31:16 Time:1:41:57 Pace:10:05That's right... I X'd up for my race and I'm pretty sure I'll do it again!!!
I just wanted to take a minute and reflect on the most amazing cat I ever had... Cannuck passed away yesterday for unknown reasons. We took her to the vet after I stayed up hugging her all night (much like I had done the night before I lost Nelix) because she had lost interest in eating. They took her temperature and she was cold so they tried to warm her and she passed away peacefully with heating blankets on her.... I assume it was her kidneys, and it came on pretty suddenly. Makes it pretty rough.
Django keeps taking bowls out to the spot where she slept on the back lawn and meowing, he's trying to give her water and it's breaking my heart! It's amazing how smart he is sometimes...
Nook was such an amazing cat... she loved soy dairy products, when ever she smelled me eating soy yogurt, cereal, anything... she'd come and beg to have some. She'd do this super cute thing where she would stand up on her back legs and put one paw in the air like a prairie dog... `I really can't believe she's gone, no preperation for losing her at all either.
R.I.P. Nook, best kitty I ever had, you are forever loved...
Here's a pic with her after Django was born laying on his warmth, she was always so sweet and loving... I like to think that she's somewhere playing with Nelix...
My body is a wreck. I have been training for triathlon for a few months now and now that the season is here I have stepped up the intensity for my training.
Yesterday was the first ride with the team on bike. I got to ride my new bike!!! I LOVE my new bike, it's beautiful, and amazing, and the first thing I have bought for myself (well, when it gets paid back) in the longest time! It feels good to treat myself.
I had a little trouble initially with the pedals, I am using clipless pedals (and I still don't get why they are called that if your feet are clipped in to them) but I definitely right off the bat forgot I had my feet clipped in... first stop sign BAM down on the ground. Hahaha people must have been laughing at me! I got the hang of it but I seem to have A LOT of anxiety about riding near traffic because of it.
This week I did a timed mile swim. It was 35 min. which I am not happy with and I hope some day to look back on that number and laugh at myself but I swam a mile and that's pretty awesome! I also ran 3 miles that day, I am trying to do a couple of work outs each day.
On the bike ride yesterday we did almost 20 miles I think and my coach was trying to teach us about transition which was good to learn, and then we ran after the ride... I could only do a mile for some reason. It's REALLY awkward to get off a bike ride and then use totally different muscles for running, it takes a little bit to get used to it. I think I will have to practice that one more for sure.
I'm incredibly proud of myself for coming from doing very little exercise to this! My first race is the 21st, and I will just be happy if I finish my first one (I WILL).. but there will be many more through out the summer, and by the end of the summer I will be doing Olympic distance instead of sprint.
I had no idea getting everything I needed and entry fees would be so expensive but hopefully once I have it all I'll be good for a while... sponsors anyone?
Django loves to do windows, sweep, mop... but this is a new one that I found was a great way to keep him entertained while I have other house work to do...
Today it was nice outside... I got baking done, I lifted weights, ran, had an awesome swim work out... and Django and I played outside. I love feeling productive and healthy. Today was supposed to be my first day with out wheat but there were remnants of food left so I ate them up. I decided to try giving up wheat for a while since it makes up most of my diet... A lot of people swear by it but I guess we'll see what all the fuss is about. I am sure it will help me eat less junk... and by junk, I mean cupcakes. Although, my gluten free cupcakes are even better than the wheat ones...
Today Django and I finally mailed out dillos to Danny and Steve... Django helped with the boxes (don't worry they were frozen and packed tight).
Django had another go with the chalk, he seems to really like it... although, I keep finding piles of chalk off the side of the front porch (along with spoons, toys, etc. maybe I will find my lost keys there)... For anyone who does not know... dandelions are my favourite flower. They grow where ever the hell they want to grow, you can't make them go away, they are stubborn, resiliant, dye everything that touches them, and they look amazing when they take over a lawn. Probably the BEST thing in the world is a huge green lawn filled with yellow dandelions. Django has started to pick them which makes me sad because they aren't growing BUT probably makes the neighbor happy because our yard looks so trashy. (Well, not trashy to me but I guess the neighbor who has a "perfect" lawn might think so.)
But... Django thinks that Dandelions go to Dook for some reason... so he picks them and takes them to him. Sad. He's running through the house to take them to him... Pretty... Yeah, seriously... I know it's annoying when people post every damn picture of their kid up but dammit.... my kid is cute so there!
It was suggested that I write an autobiography... I thought this was the appropriate place to begin.
Through a crazy life filled with adventure, and music I have come to be a single Mom to an incredible little boy... I've made some mistakes but wouldn't change anything along my path because it's brought me to where I am right now.
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